Walking on Water

A couple weeks ago, a speaker in chapel prayed and talked about how it's so easy during this time of year to start looking around at the wind and waves, and we begin to sink. It's only when we lock eyes with our Lord and focus on his gaze that we can keep going. And it only takes a little thing, and we're back frantically looking around and floundering once again.

I'm really good at this whole "get distracted, sink and flounder" routine. I'm a planner: where am I going, what will I be doing, who will I be with, what will it be like.... It's so easy to rely on my plans, and to embrace the security they seem to offer. Then, when things don't work out at all as I planned, I realize my repeat offense and my eyes snap up to meet the gaze of my master. And how marvelous and wonderful it is that those eyes are always filled with love, care, and concern, never shaming.

This weekend I watched Fireproof again, and one of the lines struck me a little differently than it has in the past. "How can I show love over and over to someone who constantly rejects me?" My wandering heart....oh, my wandering heart. I have rejected God, and flaunted that rejection back in his face. Now that I am running hard after him again, I can't believe that he would embrace me after the hurt I've caused him. It amazes me beyond the slightest comprehension that he still calls me his beloved.

Is that kind of love even possible? I look at my brother and his wife, and it gives me hope. But I really wonder if I could ever be loved in a Christ-honoring relationship. I can imagine it in my mind, but my heart doesn't believe it, though I desperately want to believe it. I don't know how to start believing it, but the best solution I can think of is to keep my eyes locked into his, into that incomprehensible, encompassing love. If only I can keep my selfish, wandering heart centered on him...